The good column – pocket square in camouflage

In Goethe’s “Elective Affinities”, published in 1809, it says: “Men should wear uniforms from their youth because they have to get used to acting together, losing themselves among their peers, and obeying in crowds.” In other words: uniforms are important, because they de-individualize their wearers, welding them together into a like-minded, authority-fixated bunch of men. And that is exactly what we need most urgently in Germany at the moment: a bunch of men obsessed with authority. What would we do without them? Who else would govern us, direct us, protect us, defend us, bring our women into line, sustain our alcohol-producing economy?

But even more important than those questions is this one: Does the most indispensable of this bunch, our Bundeswehr soldiers, look dashing and dashing enough despite all this? No. The Franzmann with the chic capri blue blousons and the cute light blue hatbox-shaped legionnaires’ caps (including red decorative ribbons!) that his soldiers wear on Sundays has long since overtaken us!

Once again, Germany is a typical fashion-loving nation: no sense of elegance, no sensitivity for beauty. Like the average citizen who traipses through shopping centers every day in the casual wear idiot clothing that has become their everyday uniform (motto: puffer jacket, sweatpants, sneakers, that’s it), our brave soldiers also wear it when they proudly parade through Germany’s pedestrian zones on weekends with a beer bottle or volunteer Standing guard in front of brothels, wearing mouse-gray drill uniforms in which they look like postal workers left over from the last century. That shouldn’t be the case.

According to the Ministry of Defense, “contemporary uniforms and uniforms” will soon be purchased for our troops, but I fear the worst. The paltry amount of 825 million euros earmarked for this so far suggests that the clothing issue is not being taken in the least seriously. Or there are people at work here who suffer from an extreme loss of touch with reality. The estimated sum is ridiculous, considering that with a number of more than 200,000 soldiers, a single dress uniform would cost around 4,000 euros. You can place a large order at Rudi’s Leftover Ramp or Aldi and get the appropriate textile waste delivered. But no one with taste or understanding wants to wear it. What does the Ministry of Defense think you can get for all this money? A truckload of poorly and crookedly sewn together polyacrylic rags from Indian sweatshops by clumsy children’s hands! At least not a stylish uniform, nothing durable and decorative that still looks shiny even if there are a few patched bullet holes in it.

So instead of ordering some unsightly synthetic fiber plans again in which our fatherland defenders look like boy scouts dressed by a color-blind financial accountant, you could, for example, commission the traditional fashion house Hugo Boss, which has just turned 100 years old, with the design and cut: after all, the company has many years of experience with this Designing and producing stylish and durable uniforms in brown, which was a popular color in this country in the 1930s and 40s was.

Every child knows today: If you haven’t learned a higher profession, then you should at least not skimp on appropriate clothing. Some people forget: A good quality uniform must still look well-groomed and fit correctly and securely even if after the twelfth beer your upper body is no longer in an accurate straight line or there is a bit of vomit stuck to your collar. Outfits that are stylish and yet easy to clean when necessary are important because the military police officer is also a proud representative of our modern democracy.

So let’s speak plainly: a Tom Ford jacket that is reasonably wearable and that you don’t have to be ashamed of in public, slightly redesigned to look like a dress uniform jacket, costs at least 6,000 euros. A matching Hermès men’s bag in field gray should cost around 6,500 euros each. And even if we stay in the middle price segment for the tie – an acceptable Dries vanNoten silk tie is available for 130 euros – we are at 12,630 euros, and the soldier still doesn’t have any trousers, shoes or underwear on and no decorative headgear yet!

I’m not sure that in a better future, a half-decent dress uniform shouldn’t include a pocket square (Flecktarn), a silk scarf and a pair of diamond-encrusted Buccellati cufflinks. In any case, one thing is certain: you would have to spend at least 50,000 per man, keep your fingers crossed, if you don’t want to be an embarrassing austerity commissioner.