The good column: A utopia for Berliners

I’m not sure whether, for the sake of a better future, Berlin shouldn’t even take an example from the Munich way of life.

I was recently in the Bavarian capital and noticed that for people who have spent a large part of their lives in the rubbish dump of Berlin, Munich’s city center seems like a bizarre wonderland. If you, as an average Berliner, visit there for a few days, you feel as if you have suddenly stepped out of the favelas into a huge gated community and are amazed at the things that exist in the ghettos and slums of the German capital The majority of Berliners are sentenced to a long term, are unimaginable: green strips on the side of the road in which no dog poop or plastic packaging residue can be seen! Sparkling clean, well-stocked open bookcases that are not looted every hour by rat-like eBay sellers! Restaurant chairs in the so-called outdoor area that are not lashed to the tables with heavy chains at night and on rest days! A picturesque river that flows through the city center and in which you can lie down like in a hot tub in midsummer without having to worry about rotting pet corpses or industrial waste floating past you, and without having to worry about getting serious chemical burns or colorful ulcers to pull in.

The good column

Private

Thomas Blum fundamentally disagrees with the prevailing so-called reality. He won’t be able to change her for the time being, but he can reprimand her, admonish her or, if necessary, give her a beating. So that the bad begins to retreat. We stand in solidarity with his fight against reality. Therefore, from now on, “The Good Column” will appear here on Mondays. Only the best quality for the best readers! The collected texts can be found at: dasnd.de/diegute

You meet complete strangers who greet you with a friendly “Hello” instead of staring at you with hostility, as is common in Berlin. And the most incredible thing: you can buy edible baked goods! (The first bite into the deep dark colored pretzel, the arms of which were so crispy that it made delicate cracking and rasping noises, tears of joy welled up in my eyes. I almost fell to my knees in front of the bakery saleswoman out of gratitude my embarrassed companion – who has never had to eat what is legally sold as a “pretzel” in Berlin – didn’t exactly stop me from doing so.)

That’s why it seems to me to be a sensible undertaking to relocate the entire population of Berlin to Munich in the near future. It is not impossible that the average Berliner, once he has left his swampy and hostile Brandenburg rain hole, will flourish in the “most northern city in Italy” (Munich’s own advertising).

However, the first problem that has not yet been solved is that huge amounts of money are needed there. You don’t just pay crazy prices for apartment rent in Munich, but for everything: a “Schweinshaxnburger” – a cut-up cardboard roll with 100 grams of fatty pork and half a leaf of lettuce – costs 16 euros in the beer garden, or around 32 marks. Four shrimps in chili garlic sauce (small appetizer) in a fish restaurant? Make it 23 euros, please.

The second problem that has not yet been solved is Munich’s current population: In the thoroughly “gschleckt” city there are mostly “gschpritzte” residents who drive their SUV to the golf course and quickly stop at the delicatessen for a small spontaneous purchase (320 euros), when they are not busy hawking overpriced real estate. The people of Munich prefer to wear pastel-colored Ralph Lauren polo shirts, while the women of Munich wear beige Jil Sander blouses.

The young men and women you see on the streets and in the beer gardens not only all look like clones of the young Christian Lindner and the young Silvana Koch-Mehrin, but they also speak in exactly the same poor neoliberal business jargon Today almost all Germans under 25 who have graduated from high school automatically say this. (Every time today the well-worn slogan “Another world is possible!” is uttered at an environmental or climate protection demonstration, I am tempted – when I think of the mentally extinct young people of Munich – to say it with an indulgent smile on my lips To answer protesters quietly: “No, she’s not.”)

The streamlined stupid youth, the blasé, loud-mouthed manager types with their Stepford Wives, the fat BMW drivers, the Dullis wearing all the traditional costumes and fundamentalist Catholics: where are you supposed to go after a successful population exchange with these people who basically nobody needs, nobody wants?

At first I couldn’t think of a suitable place. Until it occurred to me that there is enough space in Berlin. And the best thing would be: If the large Munich corporations and billionaires were quickly expropriated, the small financial problem of the many new Berlin residents would also be solved. I can already see in my mind’s eye how the whole of Neukölln is bustling about with salmon rolls and chilled Chardonnay on Lake Starnberg.

It’s unclear whether any of this would work. One thing is certain: it’s worth a try.

Subscribe to the “nd”

Being left is complicated.
We keep track!

With our digital promotional subscription you can read all issues of »nd« digitally (nd.App or nd.Epaper) for little money at home or on the go.
Subscribe now!