Talke talks: Sweet Home Alabama

Howdy from the Deep South, dear readers, today I’m reporting from vacation in Alabama. The American beach vacation is, as I already reported, a little different than the European one. We have long since come to terms with the fact that it is shorter and more expensive. But other details still take some getting used to: While most Europeans get by on the beach with a few items like towels and sunscreen, the Americans (probably out of habit) are armed to the teeth with tents, folding chairs with cup holders, freezers and coozies.

The latter are fabric covers for drinks – either to protect your hand from the cold generated by the cooler you are carrying, or to disguise the identity of the alcohol, which, as is well known, is not allowed to be consumed in public in this country. However, this precaution is undermined by middle-aged women who carry Yetis and Stanleys (i.e. huge and expensive aluminum drinking bottles) with “Might be water, might be wine” or “Jesus Juice” written on them. Mom just likes to live dangerously.

But back to towing! Tents, folding chairs, coolers and coozies… There are also: inflatable swimming aids, sports and diving equipment, fans, speakers for country music and – fishing equipment! I really don’t understand why anyone needs to fish for anything on a shallow beach where little kiddies pee in the water.

And the thing about swimming and Americans is an even more mysterious phenomenon. They have always been surrounded by pools, many young children attend swimming lessons for years, and in the end everything is done to boycott swimming. Young and old float in the sea with protective vests or on mattresses, crocodiles and flamingos, some even put their camping chairs in the water to exclude any movement in them.

If you don’t feel like pulling all the beach stuff across the sand in one (or, if you have a large family, several) handcarts, you can park your car right on the beach (and often get stuck). Luckily, cars are not allowed on Orange Beach, where we are currently vacationing. But Gen Z is too lazy to drag anyway: Our young neighbors would rather hang out at the small community pool all day than walk the few meters to the beach. Of course, they also float in chlorinated waters.

Speaking of neighbors: We booked an Airbnb – with a child and a dog, it’s more comfortable than a hotel. The rented house is also very nice, but the following applies: check-in only from 4 p.m. and check-out at 10 a.m.! I don’t know how much Jesus Juice was in the owners’ minds when they made this decision, but rules like this should be criminalized just like drinking in public.

Now it may surprise you that I’m not here just to gossip – I actually wanted to see more of the southern USA! According to Beyoncé’s song “Formation,” we’ve been to everything this summer—Texas, Louisiana, and Alabama (and even Mississippi). And we quickly realized that life in Texas had not prepared us for the “Deep South”. So we saw a huge Masonic convention at our hotel in New Orleans, Louisiana. The members of the former secret society were covered from head to toe in Freemason merch. One man even wore a blingy gold chain with a rhinestone-studded circle and square, as if he, too, were in a Beyoncé video. Wasn’t there something about secrecy? But the performance fit well with the dazzling New Orleans.

In Mississippi and Alabama all the cashiers are so slow that you feel like Flash, the sloth from “Zoomania.” In contrast, Texas is really efficient. At least the local landscapes are more beautiful.

Colonial history and the traces of slavery are much more present in the Deep South than at home (when Texas joined the USA, the Civil War was only a few years away). The ethnic diversity of its residents has given Louisiana far better cuisine than Texas, with its savory fish stews and fried seafood. Alabama has a bourbon pie with pecans for that. That’s why the expression “Sweet Home Alabama” is appropriate. I’ll be back!