How many dollars an hour does the average mall Santa make?
Photo: dpa/Bodo Schackow
Are you really relaxed right now? No? The most wonderful time of the year is not for resting, but for arguing, drinking, overeating, being overwhelmed, planning and getting into debt. And no matter whether you have to rush to the supermarket because you wanted to make cheese fondue without cheese, or whether you have to find a last-minute gift for someone you don’t like (will it be a voucher again?) – I share your pain.
Every December evening I have to place a small, ugly creature wrapped in red felt in various places around the house, high up on shelves and cupboards, because it supposedly flies around and checks on Santa’s behalf to see if my child is behaving well. Actually, it’s just the light version of the so-called “Elf on the Shelf,” because theoretically the thing should do something nice or naughty every day – leave candy or roll in flour, for example. My elf is too frugal and tidy for these frolics: he is Germanic.
Talke talks
News from the Far West: Jana Talke lives in Texas and writes about the American and Americanized way of life.
I also had to explain to my daughter, who heard about the Christ Child and Santa Claus in German Saturday school and is now logically confused, that benefactors operate regionally. Which didn’t clear up the confusion – my five-year-old correctly commented that it was strange that Santa came from the North Pole all the way to Texas. And then the frequency of his appearances! Every year we book a Santa appointment at the shopping center, which means we pay a pampered little man to credibly assure our daughter that she will get exactly the gifts from him that she wants: i.e. the ones that I bought for her have. Paid twice and not even thanked, that’s parenting in the 21st century. Maybe the nasty Stasi elf isn’t watching the children at all, but rather their millennial parents who suffer from low self-confidence? But back to Claus: After this year’s meeting with him, I have to constantly explain to my daughter that we won’t stand in line for paid begging in Santa’s line again, because the old man is following us to all the malls and parks this month!
So while I’m trying to fuse German and American Christmas traditions (Advent season paired with elf regime, munching on Stollen in X-mas pajamas, filling Advent calendars and “Christmas Stockings”, planning gifts for Christmas Eve and “Christmas Morning”), I notice that I don’t find the stress bad at all. Maybe because it distracts me from world events, maybe also because it helps me suppress the true background of Christmas: As an atheist, I don’t want to hear any more about baby Jesus and his adventurous birth, regardless of whether in the classic or new woke version , in which he is Palestinian. Famous people post hair-raising concerts from their “megachurches” – that’s what the huge evangelical stadiums are called, which accommodate thousands of hardcore Christians and where Jesus’ birth is staged with a rock band and drummers floating from the ceiling. In the USA, ever since the song “The Little Drummer Boy” from 1941, there has been a persistent rumor that a boy with a (tin) drum made cool beats in the Bethlehem barn. Hopefully his personality was more pleasant than Oskar Matzerath’s.
For unbelieving Americans like me, there’s Festivus, a parody holiday popularized by the show “Seinfeld” that’s celebrated on December 23rd, but in Texas that would be considered heresy. I could also reflect on my Russian roots and transfer my enthusiasm to the New Year’s party: The Soviet Union banned all religious holidays, but kept the more neutral New Year’s Eve as a family and drinking day with gifts and a Christmas tree; The fact that it was still celebrating the year of Jesus’ birth was, like so many facts in Russia, simply ignored. But New Year’s parties are out, at least among the chronically sleep-deprived parents who surround me. So it doesn’t help, I have to get through it and you with me: Merry Christmas and a happy new year, dear readers! Stay healthy, stress-resistant and definitely not sober!
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