Christmas madness – Last Christmas | nd-aktuell.de

I overlooked the speculoos cookies, gingerbread, dominoes and Christmas stollen on the shelves this year. They are usually the first open warning that things are about to happen. A drastic visual signal for the minority that defies the annual Christmas fanaticism and fascism: “Get to safety while there is still time.” Shortly afterwards, red and white synthetic fiber Christmas hats and room spray bottles (“Vanilla crème brûlée Special«) the department store shelves.

But I was careless, distracted by the constant terror of today (Hamas, Trump, Merz), in which we are condemned to constantly strive to stay sane so as not to go crazy like the others.

It’s not impossible that I wouldn’t have noticed the inevitable horror until very late this year. Possibly only now, when the first strip of tinsel attached to the Deutsche Bank branch on Hermannplatz glitters mercilessly in my eyes and at the place where the enormously increased number of homeless people spend the night, the “Advent Magic” bath products are sold at a pop-up stand. and “Forest Christmas Dream” are offered for sale.

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This year it started with toilet paper for me. I bought it innocently at the supermarket, dragged it home, tore open the plastic wrapping in which it was packaged, and discovered that it was printed with snowman and pine branch motifs. This was a reminder that the naked horror (“the most wonderful time of the year”) is imminent and there is no escape. The next level of escalation is reached when “Last Christmas” is played on the radio every hour and nothing comes to an end in hospital emergency rooms. When the mulled wine stands and Christmas markets open to finally close the bag, so to speak, it will be too late. The state of emergency can then no longer be averted.

From now on you only have two options: you don’t leave your apartment until at least January 7th (which will probably be difficult for most people for various reasons) or you travel to some desert (lighthouse, cave, mountain hut, uninhabited place). island). However, this presents itself as a difficulty in a time like ours, in which one is not protected from coming across a Douglas branch or a Ulf Poschardt comment, even in the deepest Uckermark wilderness or next to the last desert farm in the Swabian no-man’s land.

In any case, it is advisable to make sure beforehand that you are guaranteed not to be able to establish any connection to so-called civilization: no telephone, no internet connection, no computer, no tablet, no fax machine, no radio, TV or video playback device. Now no one can send them pictures of Advent wreaths and cinnamon stars anymore. No one can contact you to invite you to bake cookies or have a “Christmas drink.” The risk of coming across a scene from “The Little Lord” or “Three Hazelnuts for Cinderella” unprepared is also zero.

In any case, it is advisable to make sure beforehand that you are guaranteed not to be able to establish any connection with so-called civilization.

The time that Jack and Wendy Torrance once spent in the snow-covered Overlook Hotel, completely cut off from the outside world, must be imagined – if it was Christmas in their universe in the outside world – as a beautiful, peaceful time: no neighbors Bring scented candles that exude a sweet stench without asking (the aroma “Fresh Cookie Dough”), no constant “Oh you happy” sound from the nearby shopping arcade and no neighboring houses Hundreds of brightly colored, aggressively flashing fairy lights are installed, giving a foretaste of the apocalypse.

Don’t forget: Every form of communication technology, from smartphones to CB radios to children’s can telephones, poses a permanent risk of contact with the environment contaminated by the madness of the “contemplative days”. That’s why the rule is: take nothing with you, turn everything off, unplug everything from the power grid. This is the only way to guarantee that no Christmas foreign object can penetrate your hiding place. Always have on hand in an emergency: blindfold, soundproof headphones, handcuffs and a silicone or softshell helmet (to prevent self-harm after an unexpected Christmas contamination).

I’m not sure that in a better future, Christmas shouldn’t be banned entirely. One thing is certain: Stanley Kubrick’s film classic “The Shining” is particularly suitable for the upcoming period of silence. Don’t forget to prepare a fluffy blanket (without a reindeer print) and a porcelain bowl (not patterned with stylized snowflakes) with snacks (not roasted almonds) beforehand!

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