Talke Talks – Assad, Moo Dengund Baby Jesus

Howdy from Texas, dear readers,

You have the last Talks column of the year ahead of you. And what kind of year was that? Not a single war was ended, but the existing ones were only intensified, a man who had already been voted out, written off and convicted was re-elected as the most important head of government in the world, and there were also a few environmental disasters. In Sudan and Myanmar there are civil wars that nobody cares about in the West, in Afghanistan women are not allowed to sing, read or laugh in public (I doubt they even feel like laughing anymore), in Syria dictator Assad is gone (and with him away, I mean chilling in a luxury bar in Moscow), but the civil war rages on with an unknown outcome.

For us in the Western world, 2024 was also the year of Taylor Swift and Ozempic mania, which suddenly transformed the people around us into thin sequin dolls. Paris (the city, not the woman) proved itself queen of the world again with its sexy Olympics (maybe not the games themselves, although there was evidence of that too, but the performances beforehand were very flirtatious), the moving reopening of Notre Dame and the 150th anniversary of Impressionism. Maybe Tiktok will be banned next year, but thanks to the platform, 2024 was also the year of zoo animals like the pygmy hippopotamus Moo Deng or the giant baby penguin Pesto, whose cute posts gave us cheerful moments in the midst of the sadness. And as I write these lines and search the Internet for more cheerful events of the year, I read instead that Chancellor Scholz has lost the vote of confidence.

So it’s better to go back to Tiktok. There I was recently reminded of an event in my city that I really wanted to attend for research reasons (and the desire to laugh while it’s not yet banned for women in the USA): the Christmas spectacle of our infamous Baptist megachurch. A shock on the website: Not only do three tickets cost more than I earn from this column (three because my parents are visiting us and I didn’t want to deprive them of this culture shock), I also got the very last seats available. Then I prepared my parents: It’s going to be crazy, there are zebras, the church loves Trump, you can be baptized in a pool, please don’t laugh so loudly.

And then, another shock: we liked the show! It was very elaborately and expensively staged – we Russians like that – and the singers, dancers and acrobats all did a good job. The first act was about Santa Claus; the second spectacularly reenacted the birth of Jesus, who you never see but only briefly hears roaring (with camels, painted flying angels and the three wise men in carriages and fierce looks). My mother compared the show to those at the Friedrichstadtpalast, and this parallel may apply not only to the visuals, but also to the absence of piety (luckily, since the three of us are atheists) – at least that was the impression during the concert; As a precaution, we didn’t stay for the sermon. What do you do after such a confusing experience? You post about it on Tiktok.

My clip is getting too much response for my liking: over 1,000 rowdy commenters split into two camps: hardcore Christians and socialists. For the former, the show is pagan, satanic, blasphemous, hypocritical, cult-like, vulgar, idolatrous, charlatan-like and shameful. Some wanted to vomit, others wanted to poop like a sheep on stage. The socialists unanimously demand in the comment column: “Tax the church!” The fact that in Germany the population is taxed by the church would shock the Commie commentators. But of course I’m on their side, the church and the pastor are too rich! The critical comments are overwhelming to me; Not only do I feel bad that I attended the concert, but that I also liked it.

Sometimes you wish you were more like Moo Deng: cute, carefree and admired by everyone! And with this humble wish I say goodbye – see you next year with the same freshness, dear readers!

We-don’t-give-each-other anything

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